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Tag: grief

The Messy Mix

It is Tuesday and time to write a 'Slice of Life." 
Thank you Two Writing Teachers for creating this supportive community
of teacher-writers!

This is the way I always heard it.

Preacher Jim shared the word of the Lord with all who would listen, and never could make enough money for his family through his sermonizing alone. He’d preach here or there in small country churches throughout Georgia and he had a brief tenure as church pastor in a couple small churches, but each of these had only a very few (and poor) congregants and the donations were scarce. Preacher Jim’s dear family was  a large one, with thirteen children born over the course of twenty-five years – many mouths to feed, many bodies to dress, and a house to take care of and keep warm in the wintertime. So Preacher Jim took on any additional good job that he could find. He was a hard worker and skilled, a ‘jack of all trades.’ He worked as a tenant farmer for several years, in a couple different locations, growing and harvesting corn and cotton. He worked for a time in a mill. He was a pretty good carpenter and worked at a cabinet shop, and for a short (and non-lucrative) while, he had his own cabinet shop. Throughout all these gigs, his main work was preaching, with a multitude of Wednesday evening services and long Sundays in the pulpit. 

One of the very best jobs he worked was at a local construction site. Preacher Jim was responsible for creating concrete forms – pouring the concrete, letting the concrete set, removing the form, and moving the finished piece across the yard onto railway cars or trucks. The work was grueling but it paid well, and it was good for the family to have dependable money. 

Preacher Jim was able to get one of his sons (Keith) a summer job there at the construction yard. Newly graduated from high school, turning 18 that fall, Keith was so excited to have this work. He was living the dream: a girlfriend, a car, and a little money in his pocket. Life was good.

That day in August, one of the concrete forms was being moved across the yard, tied up with cable, and attached to a small lift or crane of some sort, when all of sudden, the cable snapped.

The concrete form hit the high school grad in the back of the head. 

His dear father, Preacher Jim, was right there as it happened. How to describe witnessing such a horrendous scene, to see his own son killed in this freak accident?

The family. Oh, how they mourned.  

The owners of the construction company sent a huge wreath to the funeral. They made a personal visit to the family, too, promising to keep Preacher Jim on as an employee and asking him not to pursue a lawsuit. In all probability, OSHA safety regulations were broken at the yard that day, for such an accident to occur. A lawyer or two came by the house, with the promise of big money if Preacher Jim would simply agree to hire them, to have them file a lawsuit in pursuit of money for his son, killed in the prime of his life. 

Preacher Jim responded, 

“No. No amount of money will ever bring our boy back.”

This is the way I always heard it. 

I only know my brother-in-law Keith through these stories, 
through his siblings sharing aloud about that tragic day. 
I’ve watched the way this pain lingers in my husband Tony and his siblings. 
The family has grieved deeply over this one unexpected and tragic loss, 
the grief is always.

Tony was two years younger than Keith; they were the best of friends. Marrying into the family so many years after Keith was killed, never having met him and only knowing ‘of’ him, I see clearly how lives – so many lives – were affected by the trauma of his one life lost too young. Even now, so many years later, there is a soft sadness every autumn, at the time of Keith’s birthday; he would be 73 years old.

An ache that never completely goes away.

I’m humbled by Preacher Jim’s commitment to life – his desire to not seek payback, to say, instead, enough is enough. 

Will we ever get to a place where we say, as a society, enough is enough? Might we seek something other than retribution? What would happen if we leaned into the messy mix of love and grief and somehow created a way forward with one another?

Must hurt people hurt people? 

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Cardinals Bring Hope

Do you stop and pause when you see a cardinal? I always do. I am immediately reminded of loved ones who have died.

What’s that expression – “when a cardinal appears, an angel is near”?

A friend sent me the above photo as we were talking on the phone, a scene from her back yard that very moment. She said there were many more cardinals on the ground, that aren’t in the photo. So many cardinals, all at once!

Later that same day, we received some crushing, devastating news about a family member. I think back on the beautiful sight of these cardinals, all together, and can’t help but wonder if they were almost an ‘early warning system,’ a foreshadowing…reminding of love and hope.

It led to this poem…

we got you

you know how 
if you are 
a ways apart 
from someone you adore
say, across a plaza, or
on the other side of the road,
you might take your hat off 
(if you have a hat) 
and tip it, jostle it, wave it in the air 
give a happy loving boisterous 
“hey hey!”  

this is what cardinals do 
offering
a bit of love 
from across the way
a kiss
an embrace 
a tender look 
through time

also
when they gather by the many
when you count 
five
six
seven
or more
when you see their
bold dotting 
bright red splashes 
adorning winter brown branches
this is 
hey,
we got you!

you are not alone
you are not forgotten

this means
pray, baby, pray
be listening
be alert
be assured

you are being held
by many

feel the power
of all

we got you
Today is Tuesday, and I’m writing with Slice of Life. Thank you Two Writing Teachers,
for creating this supportive community of teacher writers.

The Widow

She spoke up before we sat down
calling out from the pew behind 
Hello, I’m Kathy Ann Smith. 

I’m not sure she said Kathy Ann or Smith 
or what exactly she said
I hadn’t taken notice, I only half heard
it was three all too ordinary names 
Mary Karen Lynn Sue Beth Jones Turner Ross Ingram
well not Ingram
that’s mine
I would have heard that

I was caught off guard
nodded politely
not knowing her
sat down in the pew
set down my things
and wondered 
if she was a visitor
and why was I so bad
at introductions and small talk
so much for my role in a welcoming church

She spoke again continued persisted

Do you know who I am?

I turned to her with an embarrassed smile
(I dared not say aloud, 
no, I do not know who you are)

She stretched out her hand
I shook it and introduced myself 
I took her in
petite and gray
somewhat older than me
I tried ever so quickly 
to remember to assess to know
if I had met her before

She continued
I wonder if you know my husband, Bob?

Bob? I asked, confused, trying 
to quickly process who that might be
another common name gone blank in my mind

Bob Smith, he died this past week
Pastor sent word to the congregation
The funeral is Thursday
oh how I blanched
horrified at my gaffe
I was so slow to put it all together 
Bob was a long-time member
who had been ill for quite some time
we had just heard word of his passing

I babbled OhyesyesIknew 
yourhusbandIamsosorrytohearof 
hisdeathI’msosorryforyourloss
She continued assuredly
Well, he loved this church. 
I didn’t really come here much.
It was his thing, on Sundays. 
But I thought I’d come today, in his honor. 
I miss him.

She reached into her purse and
took out a framed photo of him
turning it towards me
Isn’t he handsome here?

and so we sat talking
she sharing her grief
me listening 
until the church service began

this experience
meeting her
this odd unexpected holy conversation
I’ve held onto it

imagine
a new widow
naming her loss
sharing her grief
its utter rawness
placing it into strangers’ hands
so that we might help her hold it

refreshing and innocent, I think

I am reminded of how
young children
know instinctively 
that pain is shared
crying out for
every knee scrape
every collapse of a block tower
every broken cookie

When does the learning begin
to swallow
to lock it within
to keep it to oneself
to get over it
to bear it alone or quietly?

Typically 
the grieving stand apart
shaken and sad and solemn
we whisper concernedly
make tender remarks
write cards

I am grateful 
for her honesty her openness her clarity

Help. This hurts.

I am awed.